My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
