don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
