I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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