Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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