I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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