I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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