What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
