Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
