dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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