Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
