I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
