Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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