There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
