Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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