omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Is Oprah even human
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