dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
