My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
