I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
