SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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