Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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