I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
