I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
