Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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