i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
