i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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