Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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