PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
