he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
