First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
