And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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