I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
