My first STD was from a foam party
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
