I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
