Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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