Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
