I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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