You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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