sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
