I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
