we have pet lesbian snakes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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