I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
