I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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