on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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