You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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