I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
