Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
