GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
