Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm going to jail i love you
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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