worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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