In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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