dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
